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COMMUNITY IS TALKING ABOUT GENDER INEQUALITY, BUT MANY
THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE WITHIN OUR FAMILIES
By Rattan Mall
The thorny issue of gender inequality once again
cropped up this week as Lakhwinder Kahlon, 48, of Delta pleaded guilty to
second-degree murder in B.C. Supreme Court for strangling and decapitating
his two-year-old daughter, Rajvinder, last year in January.
But there is a glimmer of hope as the community is now
openly talking about the issue.
Shashi Assanand, Executive Director of the Vancouver and
Lower Mainland Multicultural Family Support Services Society, told The VOICE
this week: “I must say that the South Asian community is now talking about it
openly, like they are celebrating Lohri for girls as well as boys.” (See The
VOICE of January 24 about the celebration.)
Assanand, who has worked extensively with South Asian and
other communities for the past 25 years, added: “So at least the
acknowledgement leadership-wise and among people who work within the
community seems to be there.”
However, when asked if incidents of domestic violence in
the community have come down, Assanand said: “No. It’s still very much there.
It’s the largest group that we deal with.”
She pointed out that nobody was dealing with the issue of
dowry (“if a girl is born that they will have to give dowry”) and that of
“the protection and honour of the girl.”
She added: “If the girl does anything wrong – it doesn’t
matter what the boys do – but if the girl does anything wrong, it’s a dishonour
to the family.”
She noted that though South Asian women have taken on
leadership roles and have even gone into space (Indian-born American
astronaut Kalpana Chawla), “our inherent belief in these two things will take
a very long time to change. ... Collectively we may talk one way, but when it
comes to individuals, their mindset has to change and accept the fact that
girls are equal to boys and that they aren’t a liability anymore.”
But she added: “So the fact that acknowledgement is
happening, maybe that’s a beginning. Eventually I hope it’s the second
generation of thinking, the way that we are thinking now. And it will take
fairly long time, so I think we have to do so much more work.”
Assanand said that it was important that the girls, as
well as the boys, understand the positive – not the negative - aspects of our
culture in the right perspective “so that they are not doing things that they
don’t understand.” And the same applied to their parents.
She added: “So I still see a lot of need for education.”
Asked what those positive aspects are, Assanand replied: “The
extended families, the family support, and the protection of girls - but in a
positive way.”
She pointed out that while parents allow freedom to the
boys, there is no freedom for the girls “because we are so concerned that our
daughters will ruin our family name.”
She added: “Of course, it’s great to have your parents
care for you, but not control.
“It’s great to have the extended family, but not the
family that takes over your life and does not allow you to make any decision.”
She said that families create inequality between sons and
daughters “very, very unknowingly.” For example, because the girl has to go
and live with her in-laws, her parents think that it’s really important that
they teach her how to cook.
She said: “We make sure that she [knows how to cook] – and
she may not want to do it – so it’s an imposition on the girls.”
She added: “There are so many things that have to change
to bring that equality within our families.
Then the whole culture, the whole community will change. But the fact
that we are talking about it, we are acknowledging inequality, I think that’s
a wonderful thing that the South Asian community has started acknowledging
this.”
Referring to Kahlon’s case, Assanand noted that the father
of three girls “was choosing between killing himself or the child and he
thought it was easier to kill his daughter.”
She said: “I wonder if that were a boy, the youngest one,
whether that would have happened. So
his mindset was that ‘my God, I have three daughters, I don’t have a job, I
have problems in my life. How will I take care of my daughters? But he didn’t
realize that in Canada that’s not even an issue. So that’s the kind of
personal thinking that I am [referring to].”
Assanand also noted: “I think things will get worse before
they get better, because if someone is suddenly told that I have my rights and
you can’t do this to me, but the male thinking hasn’t changed, it’s going to
be a problem.
“And it’s not just male thinking, it’s the whole extended
in-law family that supports that thinking, including the mother-in-law. So I
think the change is required in thinking that we don’t own somebody just
because they are our daughter-in-law, or they are our wife and daughter.”
Asked how this situation could improve, Assanand said: “There
are so many program out there for women and women are taking the opportunity
... [there are] discussions that are happening on radio and TV. I think all
those things are going to say to people that trends have to change and then
it will become individualized.
“And I think that’s
what will happen because violence is also not in just any one culture.
Violence is about power and control. So irrespective of the culture, when a
person loses that control, they find it very difficult to let it go. And
that’s why racism and other issues are all about power and control.”
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